Fathers Day – 200 Dad Jokes!

Father’s Day & The Big List of Dad Jokes

About Father’s Day

Father’s Day was started in 1909 by Sonora Louise Smart Dodd from Spokane, WA to honor her dad, William Smart. Dodd’s mother died during childbirth with her sixth baby, leaving Smart, a Civil War veteran, to raise the kids himself. When Dodd was grown up she realized how much her father sacrificed for her and her siblings. June 19, 1910, marked the first Father’s Day ever, and it was observed in Spokane, WA. Across the country, other areas began to observe the holiday as well. President Lyndon B. Johnson officially declared the third Sunday in June Father’s Day. – holidays.net
Father’s Day is the fifth most popular card-sending holiday, with an estimated $100 million in card sales. Husbands, grandfathers, uncles, sons, and sons-in-law are honored as well as fathers.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

200 Dad Jokes

I love telling dad jokes… sometimes he laughs
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm?
He was a s-moo-th talker.
Why do some couples go to the gym?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
Why did two tall people get along so well?
They could really see eye to eye.
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why are piggy banks so wise?
They’re filled with common cents.
Where do you learn to make a banana split?
Sundae school.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
What kind of bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh
What does a writer have in common with a football player?
Anxiety over a rough draft.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear
What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?
They rose.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house?
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Shout out to my fingers.
I can count on all of them.
My dad told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
In Texas it’s illegal to serve pie without ice cream.
It is a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?
By the bark.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
I made a belt out of the old watches I found in my attic… it was a waist of time.
I don’t trust those trees.
They seem kind of shady.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the s.
You think swimming with sharks is expensive?
Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A cheeseburger walks into a bar…
The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Where do young trees go to learn?
Elementree school.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?
A cat-astrophe.
Dad, can you put the cat out?
I didn’t know it was on fire.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain?
It didn’t have the guts.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it’s on the house.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt?
The owl.
What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off.
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off?
A song bird.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They’re both Paris sites.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?
“Let’s try a different angle.”
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said never mind.
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style?
They’re making headlines.
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it’s a soap opera.
My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
I made a pencil with two erasers… it was pointless.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking. JK! Rowling.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Why did the bedding hide their relationship?
They just wanted something pillow-key
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?
He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?
The leeks.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
What’s the only day that doesn’t end in ‘y’?
What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized?
The hoops.
How was the handsome runner described?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A lamborghini.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
What does Rockin’ Robin do when she’s bored?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
What do you call a fibbing cat?
A lion.
What do clouds wear?
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery?
Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?
I once got fired from a canned juice company.
Apparently, I couldn’t concentrate.
If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there are pancakes.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
Why don’t phones ever go hungry?
They have plenty of apps to choose from.
What did the baker say when she won an award?
“It was a piece of cake.”
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
What country’s capital is growing the fastest?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
A duck walks into a bar…. The barman goes, “Waddle it be?”
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?
Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the cashier rip money in half?
They were asked to break a bill.
Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.
What does a bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb!
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro… It’s a total rip-off.
My wife asked me to stop singing”Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe…
What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolkswagen.
What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
The sta-tues.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby?
Cutting a rug.
What do frogs use to track their exercise?
Fit (rib)bits.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
A guy tried to sell me a coffin today… I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
The sink.
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
What’s the best smelling insect?
A deodor-ant.
What did the coffee report to the police?
A mugging.
Why is cold water so insecure?
Because it’s never called hot.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
Where’s Pop Corn?
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic jam.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other?
“Cool Ranch!”
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I could tell a joke about pizza… but it’s a little cheesy.
I used to be a personal trainer… then I gave my too weak notice.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
How do you weigh a millennial?
In Instagrams.
I just spent $300 on a limo but it didn’t come with a driver.
I’ve spent all my money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes?
They just want to help you become a groan up.
What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there.”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What does a house wear?
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right!
If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?
An iWitness.
Two limbo players walk into a bar… they lost5
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine?
Can’t wait to squeeze you
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap?
He was known for his hat tricks.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?
How do lawyers say goodbye?
We’ll be suing ya!
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch…
The bartender says, “pal, if you want punch, you’ll need to get in line.”
The guy looks around and there is no punch line.
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready?
It had to get addressed.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
What do lions use to look at their manes?
What do you call a hot dog on wheels?
Fast food!
What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
The tire swing.
What’s a robot’s favorite snack?
Computer chips.
Which state has the most streets?
Rhode Island.
What has more letters than the alphabet?
The post office!
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints.
Don’t trust atoms… They make up everything!
What’s a writer’s favorite train station?
Penn Station.
What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up as a skeleton for Halloween?
Baaad to the bone.
Which state has the most streets?
Rhode Island.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing—they fast.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon… ‘ll let you know.
Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company?
Monkey business.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
Did you hear about the goldfish that came in third place in the Olympics?
Turns out it was a bronzefish
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… it was just gathering dust!
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind… it’s tearable.
I’m afraid for the calendar…
Its days are numbered.
What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving?
A seat belt.
Why were spectators confused by the koala’s self-portrait?
It was bear.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?
“You’ve been on fire!”
Where do boats go when they’re sick?
To the boat doc.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?
“Let’s table this.”
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A bed.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
I’ve always struggled to cook rice properly… guess that’s why it’s called a complex carb
What is a cow’s favorite dance?
The milkshake.
Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?
It was all booked up.
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
Have you ever tried to catch a fog?
I tried yesterday but I mist.
What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?
A breakfast bar.
I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits
I didn’t get a haircut, I got them all cut.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
I ordered a chicken and an egg online… I’ll let you know.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.’
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.
Why is sand so optimistic?
It has a can-dune attitude.
What vegetable is kind to everyone?
The sweet potato.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks?
Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs!
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Where do fruits go on vacation?
What did one hat say to the other?
Stay here! I’m going on ahead.
I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim?
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
Why would doors do well on social media?
Everyone looks for their handles.
What’s the most detail-oriented ocean?
The Pacific.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
I’ve got a great joke about construction… but I’m still working on it.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
What’s the most patriotic sport?
Flag football.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the sapphire’s best friend tell her?
“You’re a real gem.”
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity… it’s impossible to put down!
What did one wall say to the other?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
Where do math teachers go on vacation?
Times Square.
Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Sometimes they have to draw blood.
Best One-Liner Dad Jokes
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s fine, he woke up.
How does a taco say grace?
Lettuce pray.
That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.
You gotta hand it to short people… because they can’t reach it
I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport… I’m just doing it for kicks!
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?
“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What do you call a poor Santa Claus?
St. Nickel-less.
RIP boiled water—you will be mist.
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown.
Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?
They were engaged.
Mountains aren’t just funny.
They’re hill areas.
What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?
“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”
What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?
I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it’s the real deal or just a run-through?
How do you get a good price on a sled?
You have toboggan.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
Where do wasps like to get lunch?
A bee-stro.
Can February March?
No, but April May!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
What’s the name of a very polite, European body of water?
What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?
Mystery meat.
What kind of shape may have been knighted?
What is the tree’s secret?
Woodn’t you like to know
What does a sprinter eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay, he woke up.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
Watch out! I’ve got something really contagious.
The doctor said the X-ray was negative.
I was like, “aren’t they all?”
Shouldn’t the”roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
Why was the color green notoriously single?
It was always so jaded.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?
By its bark.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I used to play piano by ear.
Now I use my hands.
I spilled the litter box when I was cleaning it… it was quite the cat ass trophy.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
Why couldn’t the family leave the room after playing with Legos?
They were blocked.

Father’s Day Quotes

“That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.”
-J. August Strindberg

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”
-William Shakespeare

“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”
-Anne Sexton

“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.”
English Proverb

“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.””
-Harmon Killebrew

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
-Mark Twain , “Old Times on the Mississippi” Atlantic Monthly, 1874

“There’s something like a line of gold thread running through a man’s words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.”
-John Gregory Brown , Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994

“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
-Phyllis Diller

“The greatest gift I ever had came from God; I call him Dad!”
-Author Unknown

“To her the name of father was another name for love.”
-Fanny Fern

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.”
-Jim Valvano

“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.”

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.”
-Ruth E. Renkel

“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”
– Anne Sexton

“Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!”
-Lydia M. Child

“I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.”
-Mario Cuomo

“One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.” -Anonymous

“By profession, I am a soldier and take pride in that fact. But I am prouder – infinitely prouder – to be a father. A soldier destroys in order to build; the father only builds, never destroys. The one has the potentiality of death; the other embodies creation and life. And while the hordes of death are mighty, the battalions of life are mightier still. It is my hope that my son, when I am gone, will remember me not from the battlefield but in the home repeating with him our simple daily prayer, ‘Our Father who art in Heaven”
-Douglas Macarthur

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”
-Sigmund Freud

“Father! – to God Himself we cannot give a holier name.”
-William Wordsworth

“Henry James once defined life as that predicament which precedes death, and certainly nobody owes you a debt of honor or gratitude for getting him into that predicament. But a child does owe his father a debt, if Dad, having gotten him into this peck of trouble, takes off his coat and buckles down to the job of showing his son how best to crash through it.”
– Clarence Budington Kelland “

The thing to remember about fathers is… they’re men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle…
– Phyllis McGinley

“If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.
– James Baldwin

“My father hated the radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
– Peter De Vries
“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
– Robert Orben

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