January 21 is One-Liners Day
|“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”
|How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
|Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
|When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
|My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
|A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
|The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
|It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
|I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
|I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
|A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
|I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
|Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
|Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”
|One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
|Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
|Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
|You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.
|Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”
|If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
|Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
|What if there were no hypothetical questions?
|The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
|I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
|What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
|Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
|Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
|A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
|Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
|I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
|What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.
|Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
|The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
|If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
|I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
|You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
|It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
|I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
|Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
|My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
|Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
|A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
|The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
|“Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.”
Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
|How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
|What is the sound of no-hands texting?
|Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
|Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
|Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
|I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
|Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
|When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
|Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked.
|Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
|Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
|What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.
|It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
|You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
|Whiteboards are remarkable.
|If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
|A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
|Did you hear the one about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
|We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
|I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
|What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississ-ippi.
|At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
|Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
|Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
|The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
|A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
|I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
|Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
|I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
|Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
|I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
|My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
|People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
|“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
|How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.
|Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
|Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
|Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
|Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
|It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
|If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
|A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
|Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
|Did you hear the one about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
|Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
|I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
|What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
|A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
|Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
|The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
|I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
|Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
|People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
|I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
|My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
|You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
|What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
|My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
|There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
|How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
|“I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.”
|I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting beggir and beggir, but then it hit me.
|Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
|Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
|Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
|If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
|A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
|Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
|What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”
|I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
|What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
|Did you hear the one about veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.
|I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
|A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
|There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.
|Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
|The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
|I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
|The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
|Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
|“Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.”
|Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
|I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it.
|My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
|What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.
|My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
|How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
|Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
|Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
|A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.
|Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
|Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
|Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
|If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
|Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
|I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
|What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
|What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
|A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.
|“My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.”
|What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
|I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
|They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
|The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
|I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
|Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
|The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”
|Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
|Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
|I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
|My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
|My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
|How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
|Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
|Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
|Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
|Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
|What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
|I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
|Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
|I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
|Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
|Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
|What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
|What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.
|I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
|This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
|The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
|I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
|Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
|The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
|Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.
|Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
|I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
|Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
|My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
|I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
|Blunt pencils are really pointless.
|A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
|Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
|“My math teacher called me average. How mean!”
|Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I’m Alabama self.
|How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
|Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
|Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?”
|Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
|What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’
|If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
|Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
|Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
|What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
|What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
|I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
|To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
|The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
|I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
|Did you hear the one about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
|The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
|Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
|I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
|Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good…
|My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
|I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
|Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
|A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
|Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
|“When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.”
|Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.
|How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
|Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
|Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap?
I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
|Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.
|When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
|If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
|Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
|Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
|What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
|What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
|I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
|Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
|The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
|I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
|Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
|The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
|She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
|I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
|One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
|My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
|I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
|Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
|A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
|6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
|Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.