January 21 is One-Liners Day |
| “Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.” |
| How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it. |
| Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal! |
| When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. |
| My IQ test results came back. They were negative. |
| A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
| The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. |
| It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. |
| I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer. |
| I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count. |
| A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair… |
| I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram. |
| Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents. |
| Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?” |
| One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker. |
| Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them. |
| Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? |
| You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked. |
| Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?” |
| If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken. |
| What if there were no hypothetical questions? |
| The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long. |
| I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
| What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. |
| Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. |
| Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’ |
| A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
| Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic. |
| I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’ |
| What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser. |
| Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. |
| The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. |
| If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. |
| I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. |
| You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it. |
| It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. |
| I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them. |
| Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller. |
| My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing! |
| Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop? |
| A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though. |
| The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence. |
| “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.” Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.” |
| How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. |
| What is the sound of no-hands texting? |
| Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power. |
| Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’ |
| Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye. |
| I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. |
| Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit. |
| When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. |
| Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked. |
| Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. |
| Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. |
| What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report. |
| It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants. |
| You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. |
| Whiteboards are remarkable. |
| If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet? |
| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| Did you hear the one about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze? |
| We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart? |
| I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’ |
| What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississ-ippi. |
| At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. |
| Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet? |
| Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set. |
| The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize. |
| A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper. |
| I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. |
| Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? |
| I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass. |
| Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at. |
| I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. |
| My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!” |
| People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. |
| “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank. |
| How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him. |
| Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. |
| Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. |
| Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
| Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. |
| It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end. |
| Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you? |
| If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing. |
| Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. |
| Did you hear the one about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. |
| Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name. |
| I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in. |
| What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal. |
| A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’ |
| Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore. |
| The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP. |
| I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. |
| Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. |
| People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. |
| I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected. |
| My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that. |
| You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age. |
| What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals. |
| My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me. |
| There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. |
| How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know? |
| “I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.” |
| I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting beggir and beggir, but then it hit me. |
| Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. |
| Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. |
| Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. |
| If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? |
| A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’ |
| Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet. |
| What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?” |
| I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel. |
| What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin. |
| Did you hear the one about veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign. |
| I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear. |
| A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. |
| There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting. |
| Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. |
| The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now. |
| I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon. |
| The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now. |
| “Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.” |
| Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants. |
| I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it. |
| My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling! |
| What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture. |
| My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people. |
| How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. |
| Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that. |
| Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. |
| A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. |
| Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. |
| Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. |
| Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. |
| If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? |
| Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. |
| I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any. |
| What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted. |
| What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses. |
| A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water. |
| “My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.” |
| What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” |
| I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess. |
| They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can. |
| The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family. |
| I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels. |
| Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. |
| The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” |
| Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. |
| Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training. |
| I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. |
| My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
| My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle. |
| How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house. |
| Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. |
| Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe. |
| Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene. |
| Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve. |
| What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. |
| I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch. |
| Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…” |
| I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. |
| Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do. |
| Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. |
| What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. |
| What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing. |
| I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus. |
| This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. |
| The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. |
| I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans. |
| Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average. |
| The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. |
| Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. |
| Russian dolls are so full of themselves. |
| I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that. |
| Never trust atoms; they make up everything. |
| My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence. |
| I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila. |
| Blunt pencils are really pointless. |
| A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’ |
| Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head. |
| “My math teacher called me average. How mean!” |
| Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I’m Alabama self. |
| How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. |
| Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough. |
| Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?” |
| Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side. |
| What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’ |
| If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages? |
| Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything. |
| Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. |
| What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune. |
| What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! |
| I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. |
| To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted. |
| The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it. |
| I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’ |
| Did you hear the one about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens. |
| The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’ |
| Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake. |
| I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. |
| Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good… |
| My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’ |
| I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. |
| Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. |
| A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres. |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths. |
| “When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.” |
| Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already. |
| How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. |
| Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen. |
| Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. |
| Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet. |
| When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster. |
| If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? |
| Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months. |
| Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back. |
| What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away. |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. |
| I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure. |
| Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. |
| The rotation of Earth really makes my day. |
| I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late. |
| Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space. |
| The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense. |
| She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot. |
| I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. |
| One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure. |
| My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast. |
| I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible. |
| Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine. |
| A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths. |
| 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. |
| Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it. |
