Over 200 One-Liners For One-Liners Day

January 21 is One-Liners Day

“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”
One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.”
Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? No­bel, so I knock knocked.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.
It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Did you hear the one about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississ-ippi.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
Did you hear the one about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
“I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.”
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting beggir and beggir, but then it hit me.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”
I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
Did you hear the one about veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
“Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.
“My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.”
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.
I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
“My math teacher called me average. How mean!”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I’m Alabama self.
How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?”
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
Did you hear the one about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good…
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
“When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap?
I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.