Over 100 Christmas Jokes

Over 100 Christmas Jokes

Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.
What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band?
The Who!
How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
On Christmas Eve, when Santa leaves his workshop on the north pole, what direction does he travel?
South. If you’re on the North Pole the only direction you can go is south.
What do you call a scary-looking reindeer?
A cari-boo.
What do fish sing during the holidays?
Christmas corals.
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s Decembrrrrr.
Out of all my fellow reindeer, you could say I’m the fastest of them all. Who am I?
Dasher.
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Ornamints.
What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll!
What does one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backward!
If otters keep their money in riverbanks, where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
He keeps his money in a snowbank!
What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball.
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose!
Why don’t you ever see Santa in the hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
“Aren’t you tired of just hanging around?”
What does the snowman get when he itches his dandruff?
Snowflakes.
Why are Blitzen, Rudolf, and Prancer always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
No L.
Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole.
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!
You buy me to eat, but you will never eat me– not even on Christmas. What am I?
Cutlery.
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered!
What do you call a snowman party?
A Snowball.
How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
Santa claws!
Why do Santa’s reindeer always fly over the mountain?
They can’t fly under it.
What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down the hill.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.
What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?
Elfis.
These are found in the Harry Potter books and in Lord of The Rings too. They help make Christmas gifts that Santa brings to you.
What are they?
Elves.
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross-mouse cards!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.
Oh good, an email from every single store or website I’ve ever bought something from.
I come with many colors, so beautiful and bright, I turn so many houses into a beautiful sight. What am I?
Christmas lights.
What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she sees clouds?
Looks like rain, dear
What do you call a poor Santa?
Saint Nickel-less
On St. Patrick’s Day, I like to make believe I’m Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I’m good.
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa rolling off your roof.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.
How do you scare a snowman?
You get a hairdryer!
Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.
Why was the Gingerbread Man robbed?
Because of his dough.
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.
What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs?
Candy canes.
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.
Why do basketball players love gingerbread cookies?
Because they can dunk them!
I have this weird talent where I can identify what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What game do reindeer play at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
Why were the reindeer still in the barn when they were supposed to be with Santa?
They were stalling.
Why did Michael’s grades drop after the holidays?
Because everything was marked down!
What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments.
What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
Santa Klutz!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsil-itis!
Who leads Santa’s sleigh underwater?
Ru-Dolphin!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets!
Who won the race between Rudolph and Prancer?
Rudolph won by a nose!
How does a sheep say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”bell.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y!”
What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A humbug.
What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?
He got 12 months.
What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.
What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
What does an elf study in school?
The elf-abet.
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-“elf”-a.
What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story?
The Finch Who Stole Christmas.
What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jolly.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
How do sheep wish each other happy holidays?
Merry Christmas to ewe.
What do you call Santa Claus with unfolded clothes?
Kris Wrinkle.
What do you get when Santa becomes a detective?
Santa CLUES!
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drum sticks.
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
What is an elf’s favorite sport?
North-pole vaulting.
Why did Santa get a ticket on Christmas Eve?
He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
How does a snowman lose weight?
He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.
What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky?
It looks like rain, deer.
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
They always drop their needles.
Knock. Knock. Who’s there?
Hanna.Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.
What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing?
Santa’s shadow!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What does a grumpy sheep say when his friends told him Merry Christmas?
Baaaa humbug!
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
St. O’Claus!
Knock, knock! Who’s there?
Chris. Chris who?
Christmas is here!
Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calen-deer.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Dexter. Dexter, who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly.
What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school?
Present.
Why wouldn’t the Christmas tree stand up?
It had no legs.
I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Doughnut. Doughnut who?
Doughnut open gifts until Christmas Day.
How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate?
He uses Comet.
Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in history.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot’s him.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Ima. Ima who?
Ima dreaming of a white Christmas.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What does Jack Frost like best about school?
Snow and tell.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Santa was having problems with his legs and was unable to walk so he went to the hospital to ask the doctor if he could recommend something for him. What did the doctor give to Santa to help him to walk?
A candy cane.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
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