Monster Safety Tips

Monster Safety Tips

Pop Culture, through fairy tales, books, and movies, has introduced us to frightening creatures of the night. Even though they can be scary, Pop Culture has also offered us cures for those things that scare us. I should start off with a disclaimer, these tips are for actual monsters, not regular people in costumes – AND Most of the advice I’m giving is from television, movies, books, and Wikipedia, so take that into account.

Ghosts
A lot of people have claimed to see them, but nobody has ever taken a really good picture of a ghost, so don’t even try for the photo. Most Ghosts are what they call residual ghosts – they are usually just doing a routine, like walking down the hallway, or sweeping a broom, forever.

The other type of ghost is the “unfinished business” type of ghost, usually involving an injustice in their lives, or a feeling of guilt over an action they took while alive. Sometimes a little understanding or helping finish or filling that gap in their (previous) life can resolve the issue, and send them into the light.

Ghost Fun Facts: If the ghost seems aggressive, turn on a light. Also, they seem to hate crowds, so bring a friend or two.

Monsters (Under Your Bed)
Believe it or not, just covering yourself up with a blanket or sheet works. That’s what I do. If you’re afraid of your feet sticking out, wear socks. Sometimes simple just works best. They are typically just children’s stories.

The monster under the bed story:
A little boy says “Daddy, there’s a monster under my bed.”
The father smiles to himself and checks under the bed for his son.
He sees his son again, on the floor under the bed, who says “Daddy, there’s a monster on my bed.”

Mummy
Most mummies are actually slaves or drones to an actual leader/mummy, who can be a resurrected or cursed individual. Often, they need an additional sacrifice to bring back a loved one, and that sacrifice, more often than not, is you, or someone you care for. Often, a mummy’s appearance is made possible by disturbing a secured burial ground or performing ancient reanimation rituals. Mummies are very stealthy and often in a position to kill the living before victims have a chance to defend themselves. Unlike most undead creatures, loping off their head will not kill them; in fact, they could become more dangerous.

The best bet for killing a mummy: burning them to ash.
The best bet for avoiding an animated mummy: do not disturb their crypt.

Night Monsters
Also called “camp monsters”, these are usually undead killing machines and can be nearly unstoppable berserkers or calculating killers. Your best bet is to get out of the situation. See a car with keys in the ignition? – get in it and drive away. If you stay at the location, whether a berserker or planner, the killer(s) will find where you are hiding. If you survive until daylight, leave the area and never speak of it again (or at least until the next generation of kids needs your help and advice).

Night Monster Fun Fact: Most survivors of night monster onslaughts are virgins.

Sea Monsters
A creature like a Kraken has a huge home-field advantage in the ocean, but the seeming safety of a beach is not much better. Sea creatures have limited intelligence, but they can be amazing hunters, sensing either your fear or your pheromones. They are often called forth for revenge or attack, but don’t care about you if you are not a target; collateral damage is the norm with water creatures. If you are lucky enough to find the source of the creature’s conjurer’s issue and resolve it, you might (I stress might) might be granted clemency.

Sea Monster Fun Fact: Once they task they have been summoned for is completed or forgiven, they will once again go into the sea with little or no additional carnage.

Werewolves
Werewolves, also known as lycanthropes, can give vampires a run for their money. Your regular weapons will just make them madder; you need silver, in an arrow, or a bullet. You need to do it from far away because up close, in hand-to-hand combat, they have a big advantage. If you can trap one, burning at the stake will work- but a silver projectile is your best bet. Like Zombies, lopping off the head works too. If you are bitten or scratched by a werewolf, you will become one with the next full moon.

When engaging a werewolf, remember that silver can kill a werewolf, and silver-tipped arrows from a crossbow have been known to work best.

Werewolf Fun Fact: Some werewolves can still be loyal to the human race, in spite of their current species circumstance.

Vampires
Lord Byron and his friends have suggested the idea of the sophisticated, even romantic vampire. They’re not. Vampyres are just bloodthirsty ghouls. There are a lot of ways to defend yourself though. They hate holy water, old mirrors, and garlic. Sunlight, reflected from anything but the moon will scare them off, and the wooden stake through the heart is something you can do while they are asleep. Again, lopping off the head works for vampires too.

1. Any symbol of your true Faith can keep a Vampire away; a Bible, a Cross or Star of David, will work.
2. A pile of salt, sand, or even rice. Vampires have a natural compulsion to count things, and that can give you more time to escape.
3. Vampires cannot enter a residence uninvited, and even a subtle nod or welcoming motion is enough to give them access. Be very clear to any suspected vampires that they are NOT welcome inside.

Vampire Fun Fact: Old mirrors were based on silver for the reflection. Modern mirrors often do not, so don’t rely on mirrors to see if your new friend is a vampire – they can see themselves in most modern mirrors, which is why so many vampires have perfect hair. Tricking them with garlic is your best bet.

Witches
Generally, they keep to themselves and won’t bother you unless provoked, or at the bidding of an evil creature or higher power. Do not approach a witch, especially in their home. Your safest location is any consecrated (blessed) building or cemetery.

Zombies
The zombie is actually a newer monster. You’d think they have been around forever, but Zombies have only been around since the late 1920s. Rule one – Anyone bit by zombies will turn into a zombie, so avoid that. They don’t like fire, and lopping off their heads can kill them.

Zombie Fun Fact – Zombies created from magic by necromancers usually seem slow-moving, but in reality are only a few steps behind you if you are trying to run to safety. Zombies created by science are very fast, probably faster than you.

Top 10 General Monster Safety Tips:
1. There are no rules when monsters attack; every situation requires planning ahead and prepare as best you can.
2. Always assume the baddie can hear or knows what you are planning or saying.
3. If you think that ghoul or monster is dead? Think again. Be prepared for a twist, even after the authorities arrive.
4. Never separate from your companions. #never
5. If you have a car, make sure it is running well, and the gas tank is full.
6. A regular household radio can give timely, helpful advice for your situation.
7. If the lights don’t work, don’t explore that room, especially the basement or attic.
8. Never, under any circumstances, show a photograph of, or let it be known that you have a loved one off the premises.
9. The monster is right behind you.
10. Bad: attics, barns, basements, bathroom mirrors, bathtubs, camps, clowns, cornfields, good-looking strangers, laughing invisible children, old books, old games, old people, teenagers, twins

Standard monster safety kit items include salt (enough to make a circle around you and your friends), sharp wooden stakes, spare cellphones, matches, an old mirror (silver-based), garlic, silver bullets, and sage. If you are adept, a sword or axe for decapitating your fiend can be a lifesaver. Wear comfortable running shoes. You can’t run away from a monster in flip-flops.

For giant monsters (kaiju) and aliens, your best bet is hiding in as safe a position as you can and hope/pray for your military’s victory. If things get intense, decapitation works for most aliens, if you can determine were their head or brain is, as well as giant monsters, if circumstances allow.

Aliens Fun Facts: Often an irritating sound can hurt aliens, possibly even kill them. If you can add a battery-powered multi-spectrum sound amplification system to your monster safety kit, it would probably be more helpful than that old spare tire in your car’s trunk.